I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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