Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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