Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize