Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
