I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
