Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
