Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
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It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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