I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
