So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
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This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
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