just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
