Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize