i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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