I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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