Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Randomize
