It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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