Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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