i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Randomize
