okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
