does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I have peed in a lot of sinks
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
