Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Enjoy the penises
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
