The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
