How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
