I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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