You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
