I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
