before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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