My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.