im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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