If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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