Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
