I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
