True but thats because hes a fetus.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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