connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
