My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
