Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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