I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
