Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
