i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
