I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Randomize
