im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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