Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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