I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
