I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
