my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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