i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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