You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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