Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
