Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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