After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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