I faked an abortion last night.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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