So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
There's always time for handjobs
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
