I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
