I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
